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The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

Current Location: werk
Current Mood: drained drained

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An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

Current Mood: bored bored

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Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex.

Then again, maybe he does...Collapse )
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Whenever anybody said "Aye, Captain" I’d say "No, I captain!" Then I’d force everybody to laugh.

I’d let my crew wear their pajamas on the bridge, if they wanted to, because, hey, we’re casual around here.

What we need on this spaceship is our own army knife. I mean, if the Swiss can come up with that cool army knife, imagine what us space people can do! Note: Make sure it has a corkscrew.

On Wednesday nights, we’d watch movies on the bridge using that big viewscreen. Only, cover up those blinking lights underneath it with a towel or something.

Let’s take a long hard look at the shuttlecraft. Do we need that? I’m not saying we don’t, but let’s look at it. Maybe it would be better to lease one.

I’d take a week off every year and go to trade shows so that I’d always be up on the latest "hi-tech" spaceship gadgets.

No, I don’t know why the bridge control panels don’t come with cup holders. If you can figure out how to put them in there without messing up all the lights and dials and things, be my guest. But I bet you’re going to break something.

I’d let the fatter people wear sweaters over their skintight uniforms, so they’d feel more attractive.

I don’t know why in this futuristic era we actually have to physically paint designation numbers on the sides of our spaceships, but if we must do it at least give me a fun custom designation number like 1HO-TSHP.

When the spaceship was getting old I might kind of "accidentally" crash it into a planet so they’d give me a new one.

If the engineer told me it was going to take an hour and a half to fix something, okay, good enough. I’m not going to make his job harder by telling him we’ll all be dead by then.

I’d get drunk, find a snow-covered planet, and write my name in it using the phaser banks.

If you’re the helmsmen, and we’re getting sucked into a supernova, and aliens have shot some kind of beam at us and now the controls aren’t responding, and the shields aren’t going to hold much longer, and you feel you would be more comfortable if you could bring your own cushion or maybe a pillow to put on your helmsmen chair, fine, that’s okay with me.

On people’s birthdays, I’d rig the beaming thing so crewmembers showed up down on the planet without any pants on. Ha ha, looks like I got you this year!

If my spaceship happens to be flying by a planet with rings, and I kind of blow up the rings with my lasers, that’s not the same as blowing up the whole planet. You can’t put me in jail for that!

Once a month, "skit night." I already have a bag of hats.

I’d like the crew to pick two (2) motivational posters to put on either side of the bridge viewscreen. I’d prefer they pick something more in the inspirational "longest journey begins with a single step" vein rather than a saucy "you want it when?" type of thing, but if that’s what they decide, fine, pass the hat and put in an order for it.

If you’re going to use your communicator to make personal calls type in your calling card number first, or -- I’m serious -- we’re going to take them away.

I don’t know what exactly a "sex planet" is, but I figure we’ll know it when we find it.

Current Mood: chipper chipper

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An physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

"Can you hear me NOW?"

"You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."

"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

"If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

"Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

"Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"
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One child is easier to keep track of ;)
I got this from my coworker, Ginger:

Even if you’re not a mom, I think you might find it funny...

Caution: it’s kind of gross


So, we had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom.

Well we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves chapstick. LOVES it. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.

Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.

We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped." Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right--their little butts do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind.

And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth.

And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat's butt.

(xposted all over!)

Current Mood: amused amused

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Hope you don't mind me posting this from my mum here....... Below a cut just in case

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A gentleman is returning home after a lengthy trip, and is met by his servant at the station. This is the conversation that they have on their way to his home:

"So, has anything happened while I've been away?"

"No, sir, I can't think of anything at all worth mentioning."

"Come now, I've been away for weeks. Surely something must have happened in all that time."

"Well, sir, come to think of it, your dog died."

"My *dog* died? How awful! Still, he was getting on in years, and I suppose it had to happen some time. How did he die?"

"The vet said it was probably from eating the rotten meat."

"The rotten meat? Since when do we leave rotten meat lieing around for the dog to eat?"

"Well, it was the horses, sir. They'd been rotting for some time after the barn burned down."

"Good heavens. How in the world did the barn burn down?"

"It must have been some embers that blew over from the house, sir."

"The *house*? The house burnt down too? How did the house burn down?"

"Well, sir, we think someone must have knocked over a candle."

"Oh. ... Wait a moment - we don't use candles anymore to light the house! What were the candles doing there?"

"They were there for the wake, sir."

"The wake?!? Whose wake?"

"Your mother's, sir. She passed away quite suddenly."

"Oh my Lord. Mother is dead. The house is gone, along with the stable. Even my dog is dead. What did Mother die of?"

"It must have been the shock, sir."

"The shock."

"Yes, sir, the shock. When your wife ran off with the handyman the day after you left, sir. But aside from all that, it's been fairly quiet while you've been away, sir."

Current Mood: devious devious

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A lady goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her hubbie. She doesn't know which one to get, so walks over to the register. A Wal-mart associate is standing there with sunglasses on. She says, "Excuse me sir ...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter I can tell you about it."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 220 reel and a 10-lb test line ... It's a good all-around rod and reel, and it's $20."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register. She bends down to get her purse and farts. At first, she's embarrassed but then realizes that there's no way he would know it was her because being blind, he wouldn't know she was the only person there.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20, the duck call is $3, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. Thank you for shopping Wal-Mart."
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